The Dad Thread

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by kool maudit

(I'm not some hyper natalist now or something, even though I'm glad to be a dad. It could easily have turned out differently and maybe been 100% fine. I just think it's interesting to observe such a vanishingly low birth rate in this specific cohort.)

Like I said earlier between my wife and I we have 3 siblings and our sons have no first cousins. My brother is single but both of hers are in committed relationships for years.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by TimB09

Dad of 2 boys here, 38 years old. First one is 3 and the second is 10 months right now.

Absolutely loving being a Dad. The feeling when I come home from work and get to see them and play with them before bed is like no other I've ever experienced.

Others have said they weren't pushed into activities but we told each other that our boys will be active BUT if they don't like the activity they don't have to continue on. Now, once they start, they can't quit until the season/lessons are over, but we won't push them back into anything if they hate it. My parents were that way with my brother and I growing up but I loved all the sports I did and stuck with them for years.

My wife and I have had our challenges. Breast feeding didn't go well with either boy so they were both bottle-fed. My wife was very upset she couldn't breast feed but being bottle fed, both boys are healthy and doing very well. Second one has some eczema issues but they aren't terrible.

The other issue is my wife's parents are in another province and mine are here. The babysitting and help hasn't been there as much as we'd like and my wife always tells me how her parents would always be there if we needed them. It's been hard on us at times and hard on me to hear that.

Social life for my wife and I is slowly coming back too as the boys get older. Slowly but surely. Lots of our friends have kids too so it makes it easy to go out and do more now, whether it be with kids or without.

Ok, that's a lot. This is a good outlet to share. Thanks to who started this thread.

We're pretty similar in age and with kids (I'm 39 and have a 3.5 yo and a 4mth old). I understand the stress with breast feeding. It's not something that's really talked about much (I had no awareness going in). It can be incredibly stressful and many women don't succeed with latching or milk production. My wife really struggled with our first born due to him spending time in the NICU. She had to pump starting out to build supply and because he wouldn't latch. The most hellish thing was washing pump parts and bottles 24/7 and trying to get baby to feed. He tried formula for a bit but has a soy allergy that made him very ill and cranky (soy is in virtually all formula). In any case we made sure to buy a sterilizer that dries the parts as well this time around and it has been a life saver. My advice to anyone is not to cheap out and use the microwave bags. It's so much easier with a proper sterilizer. That said, breast feeding means serious sacrifice and stress with scheduled feedings. It is impossible to make plans or go most places due to the baby needing to feed every couple hours.

[MolsonExport]

Both my kids categorically refused to drink from bottles (even though said bottles were full of breastmilk, not formula, and were properly warmed, etc., etc.). Ergo, both babies gave me an extremely hard time when my wife left the house for a few hours, and required her to standby with little reprieve.

Now my kids merely suck my wallet dry. Hence they are still fussy.

[Acajack]

One thing about breastfeeding is that the lobby in favour of it is extremely strong (at least here in Quebec, though I suspect it's the same everywhere), to the point where some women feel guilty and even endanger their child by persisting even when it doesn't work.

Breast milk is the best thing for your baby, no doubt.

But formulas are an excellent substitute and your child won't have stunted growth or have more allergies if you give them formula.

My wife was unable to breastfeed from the start, so we went to formula immediately.

Our kids are super healthy and strong with no allergies whatsoever.

I was also fed formula over 50 years ago and was also big and strong with no allergies.

[MonctonRad]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

Like I said earlier between my wife and I we have 3 siblings and our sons have no first cousins. My brother is single but both of hers are in committed relationships for years.

Haven't contributed to this thread yet.

Three sons, ages 32, 30 and 27.

I will become a grandfather for the first time in March. I must admit that I was worried it was never going to happen. I'm 65. This is potentially my one and lonely grandchild. We will see. I doubt my eldest will have any more. My middle son is almost certainly not going to have any. My youngest son potentially might have one or two. This probably won't happen though for another five years or so (and only if he gets a receptive girlfriend. His last relationship ended poorly and he's a little gun shy).

There are a lot of pressures out there suppressing the birthrate, especially the need for two income families. This was less of an issue when I was a child. Children just happened back in the 60s. Now children are considered a burden that has to be planned for (carefully). This is unfortunate.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by kool maudit

Having a kid makes me more acutely aware of the ambient, zero-population-growth messaging.

People can do as they like. But one argument that really gets me is the one where "I don't want my child to grow up in this world".

As readers of the foreign affairs thread know, I'm bearish. I think this decade hosts either a broad European war or a global one, and economic decline is a certainty.

Likely everyone, though, I'm the product of an unbroken line of ancestors, a line that goes back into creatures that weren't even human. And much more recently, I am pretty sure that at least a significant part of them lived lives like:

- Highland Scottish pig thief
- Victorian East London industrial worker
- Cornish serf
- Roman-era murder victim

and on down into proto-human lives that pretty much resemble those of Sasquatch.

So it's like... it's fine. I'm glad to be here. I'm grateful to all of them. I don't know what's coming but my line has likely had worse.

This is an interesting take and one that I've had to consider as well. In the worst part of the pandemic my family doctor with young kids a few years older than mine literally asked me if I regretted having children after a doomsday talk about the pandemic and Climate Change. Thankfully he seems to be in a better mental space these days.

In any case it made me consider that question. And my answer was similar to yours. There's no perfect stable time to have kids. 9/11 freaked everyone out and we thought World War was upon us. My dad told me about the Cold War growing up and the fear of nuclear annihilation. I was born in the pit of recession in AB during the energy crisis of the 80's when you could buy a defaulted mortgage for $1.

In spite of all the difficulties I don't regret having kids for a second. I can't imagine my sons not being here. No matter how challenging the future, humanity will adapt and they will have lives that are worth living. Life, although imperfect, is worth fighting for.

[harls]

Originally Posted by MonctonRad

Haven't contributed to this thread yet.

Three sons, ages 32, 30 and 27.

I will become a grandfather for the first time in March. I must admit that I was worried it was never going to happen. I'm 65. This is potentially my one and lonely grandchild. We will see. I doubt my eldest will have any more. My middle son is almost certainly not going to have any. My youngest son potentially might have one or two. This probably won't happen though for another five years or so (and only if he gets a receptive girlfriend. His last relationship ended poorly and he's a little gun shy).

There are a lot of pressures out there suppressing the birthrate, especially the need for two income families. This was less of an issue when I was a child. Children just happened back in the 60s. Now children are considered a burden that has to be planned for (carefully). This is unfortunate.

Congrats, MonctonRad. I made my dad a grandpa for the first time and it was amazing to see emotions in the man I never saw before.

My dad is 65 (soon to be 66) - and has 4 grand kids aged 15, 13, 12 and 11

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by Pavlov

This is a really great thread. Its a nice change from a lot of the discussion on SSP over the past number of years.

I have two sons: one just turned four years old and the other is ten months old. I just turned 45 (does the make me the latest bloomer so far in this thread?).

Fatherhood has been an incredible experience. In my youth, I fancied myself a globe-trotting intellectual/adventure-seeker. I looked down on parenthood as a sort of "opium for the masses" who lacked my sense of adventure. Suffice to say, I was utterly wrong (and a pompous ass).

My experience has been so rewarding. It truly changed the way I reflect back on my own life, my own childhood, and think ahead about my own mortality.

Like others, it has also been incredibly difficult. My wife and I both have very demanding, very stressful professional jobs. As we waited so long to have children, we're both at a point in our careers where we're expected to be at our peaks (in terms of performance and commitment). Juggling that with the incredible demands of raising two young children has been very difficult.

Also, our nearest family (my mother-in-law) lives 400 km away (and she isn't willing or able to babysit, even for short periods of time). My wife and I literally have had one "date night" in four years.

All of this pressure has contributed to (or exacerbated) certain relationship troubles. We've slowly grown out of love. We've discussed separation. Obviously, we both want to do what is best for our children and our family, but it is so hard to know what that is. We're working on it.

Anyway, thanks again for this thread. Now that I've moved away from my childhood home, my relationships with friends and families isn't the same as it was, so I don't have a lot of people to vent to. Venting to anonymous SSP forumers feels surprisingly good.

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I wish you guys the best.

[Acajack]

Originally Posted by O-tacular

In spite of all the difficulties I don't regret having kids for a second. I can't imagine my sons not being here. No matter how challenging the future, humanity will adapt and they will have lives that are worth living. Life, although imperfect, is worth fighting for.

Hear, hear, mon ami!

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by urbandreamer

I find this thread very depressing. A few years ago I was finally ready to grow up and start a family. Then I learned why I've never felt "normal" had little energy etc. Essentially I'm unable to have kids.

Sorry to hear that.

[MonctonRad]

Originally Posted by harls

Congrats, MonctonRad. I made my dad a grandpa for the first time and it was amazing to see emotions in the man I never saw before.

My dad is 65 (soon to be 66) - and has 4 grand kids aged 15, 13, 12 and 11

Thanks.

I found out on my 65th birthday. I was out to supper with all three boys and my son and his partner handed me a birthday card. On the inside was an ultrasound image with a salutation saying "happy birthday Grampie, I can't wait to meet you!"

I am not really an emotional person but I must admit that this hit me like a ton of bricks. I started tearing up a bit. It was a wonderful surprise.

Children are special, but, in some ways, grandkids are even more special.

[O-tacular]

Originally Posted by Acajack

Hear, hear, mon ami!

[O-tacular]

I've been playing catch up on this thread (spent the weekend renovating the kids' room, which is tons of fun with a toddler and a newborn requiring constant attention). Meant to say thanks for the heartfelt stories from everyone and also thanks for the vasectomy advice.

Also, to all of us older dads, my grandparents had 4 kids starting in their 40's. My dad never knew my grandpa with hair. That's part of why he had me super early at 22. I guess it made me realize I still had many years with my grandparents and they had fulfilling lives with their kids and that was a generation ago. So we're not doing bad.

[harls]

Originally Posted by MonctonRad

Thanks.

I found out on my 65th birthday. I was out to supper with all three boys and my son and his partner handed me a birthday card. On the inside was an ultrasound image with a salutation saying "happy birthday Grampie, I can't wait to meet you!"

I am not really an emotional person but I must admit that this hit me like a ton of bricks. I started tearing up a bit. It was a wonderful surprise.

Children are special, but, in some ways, grandkids are even more special.

I announced my wife's second pregnancy at a family dinner. "yeah, she just went to the bathroom and did a test and it was positive, so I guess you are going to have another grandkid". My dad's eyes went all buggy-eyed. My mom cried.

[dancinb]

Originally Posted by urbandreamer

I find this thread very depressing. A few years ago I was finally ready to grow up and start a family. Then I learned why I've never felt "normal" had little energy etc. Essentially I'm unable to have kids.

So sorry, urbandreamer. That must be a really hard thing to accept.

[urbandreamer]

^Yes it sucks, I'm severely depressed and angry. Made worse by none of my siblings or cousins having children. I've got a few decades to decide what to do with all the heirlooms, books etc: burn some and sell some I guess.

Dads, don't be cruel to your children and withhold important health information like my parent's did to me.

[MolsonExport]

Originally Posted by MonctonRad

Haven't contributed to this thread yet.

Three sons, ages 32, 30 and 27.

I will become a grandfather for the first time in March. I must admit that I was worried it was never going to happen. I'm 65. This is potentially my one and lonely grandchild. We will see. I doubt my eldest will have any more. My middle son is almost certainly not going to have any. My youngest son potentially might have one or two. This probably won't happen though for another five years or so (and only if he gets a receptive girlfriend. His last relationship ended poorly and he's a little gun shy).

There are a lot of pressures out there suppressing the birthrate, especially the need for two income families. This was less of an issue when I was a child. Children just happened back in the 60s. Now children are considered a burden that has to be planned for (carefully). This is unfortunate.

Congrats on your imminent grandfathermanship.

[Acajack]

Originally Posted by urbandreamer

^Yes it sucks, I'm severely depressed and angry. Made worse by none of my siblings or cousins having children. I've got a few decades to decide what to do with all the heirlooms, books etc: burn some and sell some I guess.

Dads, don't be cruel to your children and withhold important health information like my parent's did to me.

If the urge to become a parent is that strong for you, have you ever thought of adopting?

I know it's not quite the same for many people but I know tons of parents of adopted kids who have had awesome, fulfilling family lives.

[thewave46]

Originally Posted by MonctonRad

Children are special, but, in some ways, grandkids are even more special.

People enjoy it more. Think of it as revisiting a Disneyland as an adult.

Most of the fun, less hassle of day-to-day making it work.

Congrats!

[Wigs]

Originally Posted by Acajack

If the urge to become a parent is that strong for you, have you ever thought of adopting?

I know it's not quite the same for many people but I know tons of parents of adopted kids who have had awesome, fulfilling family lives.

I had a former boss that was told unfortunately he was the reason that he and his wife couldn't conceive. They had been trying for 18 months.
They adopted a toddler (with a learning disability) because his wife is an Early Childhood Educator with specialization in this area and knows the need to adopt any child not deemed "perfectly healthy and normal" is greater.

8 months later after adopting their son, she became pregnant with a boy!
Now they have 2 kids.
The universe works in mysterious ways.