The rules of suburbia -how to wreck a heritage building. It all falls down to class, as everything, just everything in Britain does, darling.
Working class mistakes: Tracy, let's paint the brick the same colour but brighter, so it gives that nice finished look. Nothing, just nothing will scream 'working class' more unless we paint our bricks red.
https://media.placebuzz.com/c960x730...664531-0-3.jpg
We don't want them thin panels, let's brick it up, solid innit in the cheapest orange bricks with yellow smudges.
Even better, let's make the house look convincing as if it's carved from Mediterranean sandstone. Exotick, like we saw in Spain. It won't look like our home caught a disease.
https://www.neverpaintagain.co.uk/wp...1299023513.jpg
Middle class mistakes: Brian, let's retile the roof, but only one of them. I want it new looking. Let's also forget about the whole 'garden suburb' thing and make a carpark, as I'm not keen on mowing.
I much prefer weeding every crack for the rest of my life
https://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/MTAyNFgxMDI0/z/ioYAAOSwFfRfSg-7/$_86.JPG
We've restored it perfectly to the ruralised farmhouse look. As a final touch, let's kill the plants for our 3 cars; plus I've always adored Death Valley.
Oh but I do like those Tuscan hues. I was named after Florence you know.
No, how
vulgar, dear. Neutral whites and creams, like in Greece. Perfect for sun-stunned British weather, and as bland looking as humanly possible -we'll just ignore the colouring of the roofs
(I mean, who paints their tiles?). Also as much white plastic window frames (howzabout a door too) that can be industrially produced.
https://property-images-uk.s3.eu-wes...75a958a272.jpg
Quick! I just watched Poldark -let's pebble dash everything -evoking those Cornish cottages by the coast, made from stone and seashells. What do you mean mock-Tudor?
And maybe a few discrete add-ons. Everyone needs a yoga studio, and a second office.
https://customloft.co.uk/wp-content/...w-1500x997.jpg,
https://359738-1121503-raikfcquaxqnc...tension-16.jpg
And some privacy, you never know who might be looking. Some Spanish palm trees will complete the Norfolk farmhouse look.
https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/...t-of-house.jpg
Upper class mistakes -Calum, we've spent a fortune on the urban Berliner look, to disguise the fact we've blown £2 million on a working man's house and our neigbours are on benefits
-it's ever so convincing for Penge. Oh dear, it may appear I've forgotten about the roof:
No problem! I'll get my people on it -lets make the roof fascist too. Modernism slots perfectly into medieval cottage vernacular:
I'll do a little conservatory action while I'm here, it'll be edgy
Oh let's just do everything. We have the money.
Ooooohhhhh neighbours! We have arrived. It's called sensitive brutalism:
Bonus: 8 in a row special! Tesselated carpark (tick), plastic windows (tick), plastic door (tick), different coloured roofs (tick), stone cladding (tick), red painted bricks (tick), pebble dash (tick), white paint (tick). Bonus: mock tudor cross-hatching in the windows, to convince everyone theyr'e made up of 500 year old diamonds of glass.
Ultimate working class embellishment: satellite dish, periscope.